Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Heads Check In

A few years ago I introduced myself to the Erffdogg Memorial League. I would like to tell you where I’ve been since.
The absolute worst thing about this game—easily the worst thing-and that as a new owner you are handed an entire franchise, a $185M budget-and that the fate of that franchise depends on knowledge/experience that you simply do not have.
This is akin to beginning childhood with the money you’ll have by age 50. You are not ready for it, and you cannot not fuck it up.
This is like getting your driving license at age 10, and thinking that speeding all the time is reasonable and cool.
Somehow, in my third season, I made the playoffs, and came within one win of competing for the ALCS.
This did nothing to convince me I had a good team, or even a relevant team. I made stupid mistakes both of commission and omission. But, I did fall in love with the game. And I love the Heads. So, it occurred to me, why not compete in other worlds to accelerate my learning? And bring that hypothetical knowledge back to Little Rock.
Let’s call the Heads my first girl-friend. My true love. Let’s extend this analogy, and let’s say that the only problem with my girlfriend, is that I cannot sex her up to her slutty (hey, this is my analogy) needs. Getting other teams in other worlds would allow me to improve as a lover, and then show her a thing or two.
So, I joined two other worlds; Spahn, which is populated by excellent people and is absurdly top heavy, and has a minimum .400 winning percentage rule, and Morgan-which has some strange dudes in it.
In both cases, I chose (to more closely mirror my relationship with the Heads) franchises which needed significant re-building.
Yes, I cheated on the Heads with other teams. But, only to improve as a man; to do justice to the Head’s potential. In other words, it was only sex. I knew where my heart was.
Since the teams I got were so bad, it will take an historic run of 1,000 years for me to ever get to .500 as an owner……but I started to learn the game.  I read every subject in the forums. I asked stupid questions. But, I am slowly learning this game.  I will not say I have learned the game---I will say, I have earned some hard bought knowledge.
But, just like that Garden of Eden story, my knowledge came at a troubling cost.
I realized with absolute certainty that The Heads were just not that good.
I thought I was loaded with great young major leaguers, but my roster is fatally flawed. It’s like in dating these other girls; I realized my true love has pretty bad breath. Hey, I had never kissed another girl before…..
The Heads fatal flaw is the inability to put the ball in play. We struck out 1,190 times last year (4th worst), and our OBP is a pathetic .313 (3rd worst).
Ah, lessons. Ah, love.
But wait, I have two of the best players in our world Pablo Solano and OT Kirk. (I am not linking to them. You know who they are, and you cannot have them.)
So, my true love has bad breath with the best tits ever.  But, she’s totally hot-she lets me watch baseball while we’re working on my sexual deficiencies. So, Why not shower her with gifts?
And this is what I have done.  If the Heads have a “time”, that time is right fucking now. Over half the roster is at the ML minimum. I have money to burn.
So what if the girl is flawed? She’s my girl and I love her….And you do not need a perfect team to win. And I owe it to Solano and Kirk to surround them with the best talent possible.
I upped payroll-and bought pitching. A lot of pitching. I traded a good prospect for even more pitching. And I traded for a LF whose contact rate is higher than my sexual self-esteem.
So, we’ll see what happens. Did I mention that I have a lot of money?
I can up my payroll by tens of millions next season. And I still have a few nuggets down on the farm.
In ancient times, when the Vikings found a new land, they burned their boats to ensure that the settlers left behind were totally commited.
Let's just say, I've burned the boats.
I’m all in.
I just hope I can, you know, make it last.
And maybe get some satisfaction…….

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