Sunday, January 20, 2013

Week One Power Rankings

We're a week into the season, so it's time for some power rankings.  In an effort to actually do this every week, I'll be keeping things shorter than in the past.  With that said, here's where things stand after a week:

1.  Salem.  I mean LA.  Newbie Victor Evian is rocking the league in his rookie campaign.

2.  Detroit.  Just like in real life, Detroit is back!  Only fake Detroit didn't need $100 billion in bribes bailouts union welfare investment from Uncle Sam to do it.  And fake Detroit is actually winning.

3.  San Francisco.  As best I can tell, the SF rebuilding plan consisted of nabbing guys from Little Rock, after Little Rock gave up on its own rebuilding plan.  Sort of like the Grapes of Wrath.

4.  Cincinnati.  Eight players with an OVR in the 80s.  If I were a betting man, and I am, I would go to fake Vegas and take them for the Series.  I would also get some fake lap dances while I was there.

5.  Colorado.  The best offense in the game by a wide margin, but the fourth worst pitching staff.  Look for major reversions to the mean in both areas.

6.  Tampa Bay.  A microscopic 2.77 ERA for the AL.

7.  Atlanta.  From 60 wins in season 23, to an average of 110 the last two seasons.  No reason to believe they won't be in the playoffs again.

8.  Chicago.  Korean Pat Suzuki is doing all of our wives Gangnam style.

9.  Dover.  Rule V draftee Joakim Caballero has an ERA asymptotically approaching infinity.

10.  Texas.  Everett Hill quietly just hit his 800th home run.  Will steroid rumors keep him out of the Hall?

11.  Arizona.  Apropos of nothing, Arizona's AAA, AA, and High A teams all have 11-11 records.

12.  Florida.  The team's winning percentage has declined every season since 22.  Of course, they still had 101 wins last year.

13.  Milwaukee.  The sixth of six teams with identical 12-10 records.  Wish cancer on me, will you!

14.  New York.  Firesign's squad gets the nod among five teams with 11-11 records for his blogging awesomeness.

15.  Baltimore.  If I want jrockers to work for me over weekends, I need to toss him the occasional HBD bone.

16.  Anaheim.  Will their offseason spending spree get them above .500?  Not to date.

17.  Boston.  Has a losing record at the moment, but no one believes this will last.

18.  Seattle.  With his health rating of 47, it's only a matter of time before we can all talk about how Mike Hunt hurts.

19.  Minnesota.  One flaw in the simulation, why are the Twinkies not playing at Target Field?

20.  Kansas City.  Player of the Week Del Alvarez is goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus.

21.  Mexico City.  Does sjpratt see international prospects from places like Cleveland and Duluth?

22.  Toronto.  You have to say this, northerngaul is loyal to his veteran players.  Closer Pascual Solano does not belong anywhere near a major league roster.

23-29.  Philly/Montreal/Little Rock/DC/Pittsburgh/St. Louis/San Diego.  Seven more teams with identical 9-13 records.  See my note above about trying to save time with this thing.

30.  Helena.  A 7.02 team ERA.  You almost wish they would purposefully load up with bad pitching to see how high it can go.

31.  Louisville.  The team isn't that bad on paper.  Unfortunately, the game is played on dirt and grass.

32.  Houston.  Winners never tank and tankers never win.  Don't tell that to boydndahood, unless you want to suffer dozens of nasty chat messages.

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