I couldn't do this the season I made it to the World Series because I am a terrible believer in jinxes. Then I was too busy last season. But here we go again.
Never easy to distinguish between teams this early in the season:
1. Atlanta Braves: Last year's best record, last year's champs, and are tied for the best record this year. The presumptive favorite unless someone else makes a convincing showing to the contrary.
2. Seattle Mariners: Everyone seems to love the (real) Seattle. I've never understood that; much of that city seems grimy and post-industrial. A nice home, then, for the SLOBS.
3. Detroit Tigers: Luckstrike won our real world fantasy league and is cashing in at a new law firm. Seriously, someone please take out his best players with fastballs to the head.
4. Pittsburgh Pirates: It seems like ever since I joined the league in Season 17 Pittsburgh has been in the hunt. This year is starting off no differently.
5. Salem Super Sequioas: Another team that is always in the hunt. And no wonder. Vladimir Bennett, 5-11 and 175 pounds, averages 40 HR a year. The juice is handed out in the Salem clubhouse.
6. Cincinnati Reds: For seasons these guys spent $30 million plus on prospects, and I wondered when they would make their move. I am wondering no more. Stacked with good young players, they are going to be competing for years.
7. Colorado Spring Sky Sox. Three straight seasons atop the AL West, but Seattle is looking to wrest away the crown. Starting pitching never recovered from Season 24 injuries.
8. Chicago Cubs. Chicago seems cursed every year by injuries. Can 22-year old uberstar Pat Suzuki, arguably the best player to join the game in many seasons, avoid the curse?
9. Mexico City Diablos Rojos: Si se puede!
10. Texas Rangers: Pronounced correctly, starting pitcher Jun Dong sounds like something a Japanese businessman asks for in a Thai brothel.
11. Boston Red Sox: Can the pitchers maintain a 2.89 ERA in the American League? Regression to mean suggests batters on the next few teams to play them will have a field day.
12. Little Rock Heads: Perpetually rebuilding team is overachieving so far. Look for them to recede in future editions of the rankings.
13. Florida Marlins: Perpetually in the hunt for a championship with ten 100+ win seasons in a row, but knocked on their heals by the injury to Ivan Johnson and the unexplained departure of sdhizzle. Welcome Lemmiwinks, you have big shoes to fill.
14. Tampa Bay Rays: They are spending 0 on high school scouting, suggesting the future is now for the Rays. Wrecks, were you given just months to live by your doctor or something?
15. Philadelphia Phillies: I can't be bothered to look -- is Doc Kinney the lowest rated player on a major league roster?
16. Baltimore Orioles: Team owner Jrockers lived in Atlanta for years and has a thick Southern accent, so I continually think he actually owns the Braves.
17. Dover Dung Beetles: I blame this team for Joe Biden's obnoxious performance in the debate last night.
18. Louisville Colonels: This team has been terrible for years; is this the start of a move toward respectability?
19. Toronto Blue Jays: Lance Howard, who has a 91 contact, is batting .038 on the season.
20. San Diego Padres: I did a google search for "Brucehearse," and came across this disturbingly eclectic collection of Youtube videos.
21. Montreal Expos: Folks were picking on the Houston payroll, but $29.7 million Montreal? Really?
22. St. Louis Cardinals. Hipolito Mesa is just one cool dude.
23. Arizona Diamondbacks: This team has been on the cusp of contending for years. Is this the year?
24. Minnesota Twins: Fielding instructor Tony Sasaki is anything but zen.
25. Washington DC Senators: Not emulating the real world team yet.
26. KC Royals: Running Harry Callaspo is good evidence that basestealing ability is at least as much about a player's baserunning rating.
27. New York Mets: $100+ million payroll and mired in the standings. It's like the BHD gods are punishing Firesign for his many blog posts.
28. Milwaukee Brewers: Ditto for Commissioner Dilo
29. Anaheim Angels: Another tanking team. Perhaps Angel Diaz is the worst player in the majors, not Doc Kinney.
30. Houston Astros. The ulimate tanking team. I didn't even think a payroll of $18.3 million was possible. Since his payroll budget is over $70 million, what does this mean Boyd, $45 million spent on prospects this season?
31. SF Giants: With excellent Advanced Scouting, perhaps this team should blow itself up in deals for younger players.
32. Helena Hot Pockets: The worst team in the game at the moment, if this keeps up they should change their name to the Hot Lunch.